October 2008
What kind of person goes shoeless in the business class lounge? A fat federal policewoman, from what I heard of her phone conversation.
Just saw an A380 take off. I am literally in awe.
Overheard: you no mess with the Russian women. We use you for what we want then we sell you for parts.
Twitter would be good for Don Rickles but only if your avatar showed him how black, asian and gay you are.
At the airport you can get booze 24 hours a day because, hey, timezones. McDonalds still fuck you on breakfast though.
Waking up between two beautiful women is not as good as it sounds if one of them is dead.
The fact that people could be thinking of you while they masturbate, and you have no control over that, is very unsettling. For you.
I am starting a new business and the business cards arrived today. I am absurdly excited.
Govt wants to filter “fetish material” from internet. My fetish is I masturbate while watching bureaucrats implement ludicrous censorship.
The new ‘Masturbat’ - by the makers of Louisville Slugger. It’s a Grand Slam!
Next meeting: CEO of listed investment company. I’ll let you know how much he’s aged in the past two weeks.
I think it’s a bit rich to call it a World Series. It’s more a Sphere Of Influence Series.
It can only be a matter of time before crocs make a vibrator. I mean their stores are already full of homely lesbians, make the extra sale.
Australian slang for ‘shag’ = ‘root’. Leading to the best pickup line of all time. “Ever trip over a tree stump? How about a root?”
Why my job is cool sometimes: Meeting with biotech CEO on branding ended up as a discussion of nuances of Straussian neoconservatism.
Client says she just doesn’t “like” the design. This is a good thing. The brief wasn’t “must appeal to tasteless cube-dwelling simpletons”.
Rape whistle is a pretty strong term for what I do when I see a woman in seamed stockings, but that’s feminism for you.
The three most beautiful words in the world are “has been Favrd”.
“Can you read apache logs? Like at expert level.”
“Nope, but I can tear strips off Foucault.”
A lot of people say there’s nothing worse than hair in your food, but then I remind those anti-Semitic fucks about the Holocaust.
I hope it’s a joke too @RoguePixie. Nobody can say it’s not a crime to cover Kung Fu Fighting like that.
“Dress for the job you want” sounds like good advice, but I want Rocco Siffredi’s job and I am scaring the fuck out of people right now.
This damned NPR quote is drawing people’s attention away from my penis, and this shall not stand.
Maybe I washed my hands, and maybe I didn’t. But I guarantee you this: my penis is a lot cleaner than the handbasin in the men’s room.
No, do go on!
When the fuel in your car is called gas, but it’s very obviously a liquid, the man is setting you up to accept big lies with a shrug.
From what I can tell, all voting machines do for democracy is insert a new layer of doubt to the process.
Difference between USA & Australia: We have universal healthcare. You package drinking straws in paper for hygienic reasons.
I like the word ‘rad’ because it conveys the concept of ‘awesomeness’ and imparts how old I am in just 3 characters. Also, BMX Bandits!
I assume propositions 1-7 & 9-14 involve free puppies for all & glitter cannons in the every street & they hoped you’d just tick every box.
Pro-bono tagline for the cat marketing council: “Hey! Like boxes of toxic shit in your house? Have we got the pet for you!”
They’re not ‘sex tweets’. They’re bone mots.
When I was 12 I thought that touching boobs would be the awesomest thing ever. How right I was. How right I was.
Up next on “Where are they now?” My fucking socks.
Whoever wrote the report that inspired the headline “Australian consumers spending cautiously” obviously never surveyed my coke dealer.
Really, is there anything more satisfying than a perfectly formed poop joke?
Scientists! Why aren’t you developing a snap-lock container that will keep my porn fresh?
From my experience in marketing and customer retention, I feel qualified to tell you that I have a very high follower ‘churn rate’.
When the TSA devised the rules on liquids and gels, they didn’t consider just how much Astroglide I need on a long haul flight.
Like needle-scratch moments? Then refer to your girlfriend’s freshly waxed vag by saying it’s ‘as smooth as a baby’s bottom’.
Pre-emptive note to those I unfollow: It’s not you, it’s me. Me finds you boring.
That Weezer song ‘On Drugs’? I suspect it was originally ‘Want hugs’.
Is it time to pump some Rocket From the Crypt and pretend I’m a rebel? FUCK YEAH.
“They do this in other countries, where the people are not free.” Lady, Sweden might have an archipelago, but it’s no gulag.
What are the odds that a guy called Nick Xenophon would be a Xenophobic Dick? http://tinyurl.com/6qr585
Um, I can read french.
Just convinced a client to pay for my Waikiki hotel for a week. I LOVE travel industry clients.
Just informed by my telco that iPhone data roaming for Australians in Hawaii is a mere $15. Per megabyte. Ouch.
Aaaaaand I just organised media credentials.
Qantas let me change flights to extend time in Hawaii, & gave me a REFUND because routing is shorter. Something has to go wrong now.